Contemporary society 6.2: In line at the grocery…

As you may have assumed, I typically stand with my nose in the air. To be honest, I have been accused (and rightly so) of looking perpetually annoyed- and always with the hint of a sneer on my lips. As it turns out, my moment of self-awareness today was ill-rewarded: removing my nose from the heights, I glanced at the (popular?) magazines available on the shelves for that last-minute-impulse-purchase-oh-dear-god-I-have-to-spend-$3.85-to-find-out-where-my-favorite-Hollywood-celebrities-go-to-spend-the-GDP-of-Chad-on-a-cup-coffee.

As the woman behind me was modeling a shirt bearing the brilliant witticism “You say ‘bitch’ like it’s a bad thing,” I was disinclined to move…and so I looked further into the abyss.

1.) It seems that you can lose 25 pounds without dieting at all (Well, yes. Cut off one of your legs and that should do the trick).

2.) Megan Fox was able to say things “we couldn’t even print!” (What a pity- I was looking forward to hearing the nonsensical ravings of someone I don’t even know.)

3.) Barrack Obama has a secret plan to stimulate the economy! (That one I knew: it’s such a secret plan that even he doesn’t know what it is.)

4.) Reese Witherspoon head over heels- and this time it’s for real! (Yes, not like all those other “fake” times.)

5.) How to drive your man wild in bed! (Here’s one that should work: quit reading Cosmo.)

As egregious of a time-waste as it was, I understand how these headlines can appeal to anyone, regardless of personal disposition. For some, they offer hope in the form of escapist fantasies that inevitably lead to oversize sunglasses and ubiquitous Starbuck’s cups as they refer to movie-stars and pop singers by diminutive forms of their given names, implying a level of personal friendship with someone who would not employ them as a housekeeper much less streak the red carpet with them. For others (ahem), they offer citable proof that money and fame are no prerequisite for taste and class; a final piece of evidence that the incongruence we may feel from time to time with modern society is one of the more commendable aspects of our character.

Contemporary society 6.1: So this is what passes for “quality time,” eh?

One of the reasons I never bother to access my MySpace account is the preponderance of “surveys” thrown at me by well-intentioned friends. I confess to a mild feeling of offense: do they see me as someone who will enjoy this sort of activity? I thought they knew me better than that. Without further ado, allow me to share a recent survey I decided to answer in my customary manner.

Q1: Can you cook?

A: Did you bother to read my profile?

Q2: What was your dream growing up?

A: Don’t remember; sleeping at the time.

Q3: What talent do you wish you had?

A: The ability to sneeze and fart at the same time.

Q4: If I bought you a drink, what would it be?

A: I don’t accept drinks from strangers; otherwise, either a martini (if you make it with vodka, I’ll strangle you) or a single-barrel bourbon neat.

Q5: Favorite vegetable?

A: Beef.

Q6: What was the last book you read?

A: The Joy of Indoor Plumbing and Lighting Fixtures.

Q7: What zodiac sign are you?

A: The one in the middle.

Q8: Any tattoos and/or piercings?

A: And.

Q9: Worst habit?

A: See question 3.

Q10: If you saw me walking down the street, would you offer me a ride?

A: If you know me well enough to know my attitude about driving, would you accept?

Q11: What is your favorite memory?

A: Can’t recall.

Q12: Negative or Optimistic attitude?

A: Why do you assume that pessimism (I’m assuming you consider it diametrically opposed to optimism) carries a negative connotation? Read Schopenhauer and call me back.

Q13: If you were stuck in an elevator with me, what would you do?

A: Hum. Constantly. Slightly off-key. Songs you vaguely remember. But I’ll only do half of the chorus.

Q14: Worst thing to ever happen to you?

A: This survey is the front-runner.

Q15: Tell me one weird fact about you.

A: I retrieve the mail in the nude.

Q16: Do you have any pets?

A: Two dogs, a cat, and a family of four that I met under a bridge.

Q17: What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?

A: You might want to duck.

Q18: What’s your favorite food?

A: Water.

Q19: What was your first impression of me?

A: If I wasn’t so drunk, there would be fewer of you.

Q20: If you could change one thing about your looks, what would it be?

A: One does not trifle with perfection.

Q21: What color eyes do you have?

A: Is “malevolent” a color?

 Q22: Ever been arrested?

A: In the process at this very moment…please excuse me if I don’t finish all the questions.

Q23: Bottle or draft?

A: Trough.

Q24: If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?

A: Pay annoying people $200 a head to stay away from me.

Q25: What’s your favorite bar to hang at?

A: Parallel or uneven, it makes no difference to me.

Q26: Do you believe in ghosts?

A: I am singularly unconvinced of supposedly scientific evidence in support of non-carbon-based apparitions with the exception of Space Ghost, Casper the Friendly Ghost, or any of the ghosts from Scooby Doo.

Q27: Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

A: Play paper, rock, and scissors with a glass of water (best three out of five).

Q28: Do you swear a lot?

A: Can an atheist swear?

Q29: Biggest pet peeve?

A: None. Crippling psychological disorders and abject social misanthropy yes, pet peeves no.

Q30: In one word, how would you describe yourself?

A: Succinct.

Q31: What is your middle name?

A: King Wulf IV, Sovereign Ruler of a Small Island off the Northwest Coast of Norway.

Q32: What did you think of this quiz?

A: Your mom always told me that if I couldn’t say something nice…

So there it is. Plague me no further with surveys. The synapses I burnt typing these idiotic answers might well have been the ones that could have cured cancer…thanks alot.

Contemporary society 6.0: The vicissitudes of fame…

Thomas Henry Huxley, recalling the life of Joseph Priestley in an address at the opening of what is now the University of Birmingham, wrote:

“No man, however, who is endowed with a fair share of common sense, and not more than a fair share of vanity, will identify either contemporary or posthumous fame with the highest good; and Priestley’s life leaves no doubt that he, at any rate, set a much higher value on the advancement of knowledge, and the promotion of that freedom of thought which is at once the cause and the consequence of intellectual progress.”

As I read those words this evening, I was plagued with a thought: does anyone still believe those words? In our haste to celebrate the mediocre, what added value are the objects of our awe bringing to contemporary society? The obvious answer would be “none.” Has Lisa Rinna given a command performance that will be discussed in the annals of thespian lore for generations? No, but she did give a gushing glimpse into the minds of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie which will stimulate millions of youngsters to…do…something or other. Did Lady Gaga pen a composition so ethereal that it threatens to unseat Gorecki’s 3^rdsymphony as the bridge between the hoi polloi and the cognoscenti? No, but she did find a way to attach sparklers to her breasts for a “performance.”

Unfortunately, while snide comments are obviously my strong suit, I am struck by a much more troubling issue. While no one (of any consequence) would uphold these people as a modern Aristotle, they nonetheless watch them. In so doing, they give, subconsciously or not, tacit approval to their vapidity. That is the greatest tragedy of all: when we celebrate the mediocre and encourage their endless pursuit of fleeting fame, we endorse a new, lower standard of that which is admirable. In our slouch towards cultural decay, the path may long and winding; but it nevertheless leads to the inevitable conclusion.