Contemporary society 6.1: So this is what passes for “quality time,” eh?

One of the reasons I never bother to access my MySpace account is the preponderance of “surveys” thrown at me by well-intentioned friends. I confess to a mild feeling of offense: do they see me as someone who will enjoy this sort of activity? I thought they knew me better than that. Without further ado, allow me to share a recent survey I decided to answer in my customary manner.

Q1: Can you cook?

A: Did you bother to read my profile?

Q2: What was your dream growing up?

A: Don’t remember; sleeping at the time.

Q3: What talent do you wish you had?

A: The ability to sneeze and fart at the same time.

Q4: If I bought you a drink, what would it be?

A: I don’t accept drinks from strangers; otherwise, either a martini (if you make it with vodka, I’ll strangle you) or a single-barrel bourbon neat.

Q5: Favorite vegetable?

A: Beef.

Q6: What was the last book you read?

A: The Joy of Indoor Plumbing and Lighting Fixtures.

Q7: What zodiac sign are you?

A: The one in the middle.

Q8: Any tattoos and/or piercings?

A: And.

Q9: Worst habit?

A: See question 3.

Q10: If you saw me walking down the street, would you offer me a ride?

A: If you know me well enough to know my attitude about driving, would you accept?

Q11: What is your favorite memory?

A: Can’t recall.

Q12: Negative or Optimistic attitude?

A: Why do you assume that pessimism (I’m assuming you consider it diametrically opposed to optimism) carries a negative connotation? Read Schopenhauer and call me back.

Q13: If you were stuck in an elevator with me, what would you do?

A: Hum. Constantly. Slightly off-key. Songs you vaguely remember. But I’ll only do half of the chorus.

Q14: Worst thing to ever happen to you?

A: This survey is the front-runner.

Q15: Tell me one weird fact about you.

A: I retrieve the mail in the nude.

Q16: Do you have any pets?

A: Two dogs, a cat, and a family of four that I met under a bridge.

Q17: What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?

A: You might want to duck.

Q18: What’s your favorite food?

A: Water.

Q19: What was your first impression of me?

A: If I wasn’t so drunk, there would be fewer of you.

Q20: If you could change one thing about your looks, what would it be?

A: One does not trifle with perfection.

Q21: What color eyes do you have?

A: Is “malevolent” a color?

 Q22: Ever been arrested?

A: In the process at this very moment…please excuse me if I don’t finish all the questions.

Q23: Bottle or draft?

A: Trough.

Q24: If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?

A: Pay annoying people $200 a head to stay away from me.

Q25: What’s your favorite bar to hang at?

A: Parallel or uneven, it makes no difference to me.

Q26: Do you believe in ghosts?

A: I am singularly unconvinced of supposedly scientific evidence in support of non-carbon-based apparitions with the exception of Space Ghost, Casper the Friendly Ghost, or any of the ghosts from Scooby Doo.

Q27: Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

A: Play paper, rock, and scissors with a glass of water (best three out of five).

Q28: Do you swear a lot?

A: Can an atheist swear?

Q29: Biggest pet peeve?

A: None. Crippling psychological disorders and abject social misanthropy yes, pet peeves no.

Q30: In one word, how would you describe yourself?

A: Succinct.

Q31: What is your middle name?

A: King Wulf IV, Sovereign Ruler of a Small Island off the Northwest Coast of Norway.

Q32: What did you think of this quiz?

A: Your mom always told me that if I couldn’t say something nice…

So there it is. Plague me no further with surveys. The synapses I burnt typing these idiotic answers might well have been the ones that could have cured cancer…thanks alot.