Contemporary society 6.2: In line at the grocery…

As you may have assumed, I typically stand with my nose in the air. To be honest, I have been accused (and rightly so) of looking perpetually annoyed- and always with the hint of a sneer on my lips. As it turns out, my moment of self-awareness today was ill-rewarded: removing my nose from the heights, I glanced at the (popular?) magazines available on the shelves for that last-minute-impulse-purchase-oh-dear-god-I-have-to-spend-$3.85-to-find-out-where-my-favorite-Hollywood-celebrities-go-to-spend-the-GDP-of-Chad-on-a-cup-coffee.

As the woman behind me was modeling a shirt bearing the brilliant witticism “You say ‘bitch’ like it’s a bad thing,” I was disinclined to move…and so I looked further into the abyss.

1.) It seems that you can lose 25 pounds without dieting at all (Well, yes. Cut off one of your legs and that should do the trick).

2.) Megan Fox was able to say things “we couldn’t even print!” (What a pity- I was looking forward to hearing the nonsensical ravings of someone I don’t even know.)

3.) Barrack Obama has a secret plan to stimulate the economy! (That one I knew: it’s such a secret plan that even he doesn’t know what it is.)

4.) Reese Witherspoon head over heels- and this time it’s for real! (Yes, not like all those other “fake” times.)

5.) How to drive your man wild in bed! (Here’s one that should work: quit reading Cosmo.)

As egregious of a time-waste as it was, I understand how these headlines can appeal to anyone, regardless of personal disposition. For some, they offer hope in the form of escapist fantasies that inevitably lead to oversize sunglasses and ubiquitous Starbuck’s cups as they refer to movie-stars and pop singers by diminutive forms of their given names, implying a level of personal friendship with someone who would not employ them as a housekeeper much less streak the red carpet with them. For others (ahem), they offer citable proof that money and fame are no prerequisite for taste and class; a final piece of evidence that the incongruence we may feel from time to time with modern society is one of the more commendable aspects of our character.