Educated, eh? 2.0: Behold, a degree…

Recently, I had the distinct displeasure of observing a posted discussion concerning Rights vs. Equity theories of business practices in capitalist economies. As usual, I was singularly unimpressed with the drivel that leaked forth until the subject of natural law and social contract theory came up. One of the writers quoted ad nauseum from that most estimable of sources, Wikipedia; as she finished her diatribe (mostly dedicated to glossing over the glaringly disturbing aspects of Rousseau’s primitive howlings and crafting a Fischer-Price “My first philosophical discussion”) she defended her writings and lack of credible sources by saying: “I know this is right, because I have an Undergraduate Degree in Philosophy” (I admit, the capitalization is my own).

Stop the presses!

We’re dealing with the holder of an Undergraduate Degree in Philosophy!

Not only did this person take the same blob of liberal arts courses that a communications major does, she managed to spend a few hours listening to some burned-out ex-hippie pontificate about the merits of dialectical inquiry into the materialistic yearnings of the polluted bourgeoisie! Had I realized this at the outset, I would have campaigned for an immediate halt to any further discussion; let’s face it, we mere mortals are simply incapable of dealing with so profound an intellect…

Yawn.

Pieces of paper do not equate to erudition; learning is a lifelong process that must be cultivated with fresh insight and a fertile imagination- neither of which are taught in many schools as we know them. As you go forth through your daily routines, please realize that many an idiot has passed unscathed through the gates of the ivory towers. Their endless yammering has all the value of the raving lunatic in the street if they use superfluous credentials as intellectual weight. To steal a line from Shakespeare (people who refer to this man of genius as “the Bard” should be gassed): “It is a tale told by an idiot; full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

Morons 1.2: Identifiable traits of the average moron…

To end this first topic, I thought perhaps a list of immediately recognizable traits carried by the average moron would be instructive. Though this list is neither exhaustive nor infallible, it nonetheless represents an adequate primer for the general reader. Having cast this list to memory, it is incumbent upon the observer to act in an equitable and appropriate manner. For example, having identified a moron, perhaps you could suggest to them that they investigate the challenges of Russian roulette with an automatic weapon; attempt to catch arrows (ninja-style, of course) launched at them; try their hand at playing leap-frog with moving vehicles. Whatever you do, be creative: this confuses and annoys the average moron. For the record, however, I submit the following list of key moron traits:

1.) wearing any item of WWE apparel (admit it, you saw this one coming).
2.) wearing over-size sunglasses (obviously compensating for something).
3.) expresses view of modern art with: “duh, I could totally do that.”
4.) listens to top-40 radio programs- and likes them.
5.) lists “texting friends” as a hobby.
6.) makes an appearance at a fashion show (note that those who attend wearing cut-off denim shorts, a Taco-Bell tee, flip-flops purchased from a gas station, and a ball cap that reads “I shot J.R.” are only doing so out of a sheer sense of irony; as this is an acceptable form of humor, they are excused).
7.) is a registered member of either major political party and does not know who the Speaker of the House is (stop kidding yourselves).
8.) refers to themselves as a “member of the MAC community.”
9.) watches “reality” television and has prepared multiple arguments as to why this genre should not be forbidden under the Eighth Amendment.
10.) shops at, works for, believes in, or has any other contact with Wal-Mart.
11.) considers “air-brushing” to be a form of art.
12.) reads U.S.A. Today, Cosmo, Vogue, Wrestling magazines, or any novel written within the last 25 years.
13.) uses Wikipedia as a primary source when preparing a paper.
14.) believes that giving their children purposely obscure and/or faddish names will bring anything but shame and humiliation for the child (note that “Kick-a-hole-in-the-soup Jones” would be an obvious exception).
15.) wields innumerable communication devices (Blackberry, I-Phone, etc.) yet cannot distinguish between their/there/they’re.
16.) leaves the “s” off the word “cents” when referring to any amount of change greater than a single penny.
17.) has willfully spent more on clothes than education.
18.) consistently refers to high school football experiences as “my glory days.”
19.) makes a point of constantly reminding you which over-priced, intellectually under-nourished university they attended (replete with a knowing nod and a wry expression).
20.) believes that difficult scientific questions are best answered with: “God did it.”

That is all for now; our next topic promises to be a scintillating discussion of how correct I am about everything and how shallow and inconsequential most other people actually are. Having said as much, however, remember that we are on a journey: by placing your trust in me, you have committed yourself to the arduous task of self-discovery. In time, you too shall be able to release your inner elitist.

Morons 1.1: Now available on the nightly news…

Suffice to say, the vast majority of the world population is a collection of intellectual miscreants; a tired, revolving group of inadequacies foisted on an unwitting public. As I would encourage people of taste and discrimination (all seven of you), I tend to view the news media as a comic lot: hobbled by their own mediocrity, this is a group of sub-morons who seek to glamorize the piffle that makes up the content of contemporary interest. What sort of demi-human is actually enthralled by the current status of Ms. Lohan? What score on a standardized academic examination does it take to foster an interest in what Hollywood celebrity is adopting what malnourished child from what inconsequential country in a manner that is tantamount to kidnapping? While I admit that perhaps my tastes are out of sync with the general populace (a personal sigh of relief may be noted), I fail to see the depth of meaning.

MSNBC recently reported on the ubiquitous G-20 protests occurring in London; nothing new here, I assure you. I did find it interesting that they saw fit to quote a 12-year old who stated that she will only be happy when she witnesses “the death of capitalism…”

Hmmm. Define capitalism, you twit; explain the correlation between individual initiative and declination thereof as a result of politically mandated wage increases; compare and contrast the ideals behind Adam Smith’s equality of opportunity and Frederich Engels’ equality of means; explain the cognitive dissonance imposed by your screed against a system from whom your benefits extend; describe the inherent difficulties imposed on free-market variance by external regulatory controls; tell us why you attended a disturbingly short-sighted rally rather than going to school, ass-hat.

(Crickets chirp in the background)

Suffice to say, my faith in Darwinian selection is severely diminished by the fact that people (very loose use of the term) continue to exist

Morons 1.0: People who are currently annoying me…

Greetings boys and girls, the topic is morons. To break the ice, I thought we might begin with a listing of the people who are pissing me off the most at the present moment. I once heard George Carlin (R.I.P.) do a similar routine and it struck me: if we spent more time considering why people (in general) are such a stunning disappointment and less time praising them for their mediocre “achievements,” we could finally move forward as a society. Let’s face it: the world is full of abject failures; the sooner you face this fact, the better. Here are a few examples to get you started thinking (there’s a first time for everything):

1. Anyone who starts a sentence with “well, in this economy…” (the next time I hear this I will drown a kitten)
2. Angry social conservatives (don’t you have anything better to do with your time?)
3. Smug fiscal liberals (you didn’t foresee the present situation and you don’t have the solution; the last time you people were left in charge of anything, it ended with a David Hasselhoff concert on top of the ruins)
4. George W. Bush (I hold you personally responsible for the rise of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid)
5. People who hate George W. Bush for no specific reason (please stop embarrassing yourselves)
6. People who add a political subtext to their Internet handle (“Repub4life” and “LibDad29”: as you have repeatedly demonstrated your illiteracy, I doubt very highly that you are reading this…)
7. People whose only knowledge of Vivaldi is derived from an insipid ring-tone (choke yourselves for the sake of humanity)
8. People who attend the opera “to be seen” (you are the cultural equivalent of rectal cancer)
9. A “man’s man” (who led the National League in strikeouts for the 1978 season?…that’s right, nobody cares)
10. A “woman’s woman” (there is more to life than shoes, chocolate, and endless re-runs of “Sex and the City”)

I had better stop for now…

So let us begin…

Having recently read that “blogging is dead,” I feel the time is right for me to add my voice to the fray. My reason for this is simple: broad social trends are merely projections of mass idiocy. As such, I consider it a moral imperative to assist in their destruction by any means at my disposal.

Schopenhauer once discussed the idea that the aim of men is not to gain pleasure but to ameliorate pain; when any rational person views the world, I doubt that any other conclusion can be drawn. However, a human being (in theory) is capable of improving the world in some small part. Unfortunately, most people are too congenitally stupid to stop bloviating long enough to construct a coherent thought- much less translate it into action.

Fine. I’ll do it for you.

This blog will embrace a few master topics (purely at my discretion, of course) with which I will endeavor to educate, amuse, enlighten, and offend. I list “offend” for two reasons: a typical person’s moral compass is so dreadfully skewed that a conglomeration of letters in a specific sequence is all that is required to emotionally wound them; likewise, most people under the age of 35 are incapable of concentrating on anything for longer than three minutes unless they are “outraged.”

…and off we go…