Cultural taste 5.0: READ THE DISCLAIMER FIRST!

*DISCLAIMER*: If you watch “reality” television, find meaning in the comic strip “Cathy,” or see a point in the continued existence of Paris Hilton, this posting is not for you.

I have decided to devote this topic to cultural taste and the translation thereof to contemporary life; as such, I am sure that half of you will be lost within minutes. I do not make this comment to be unnecessarily mean (I know, I know, but there are outliers to every situation that falls within the confines of fundamental probabilities; as non-linear mathematics posits that there are, in fact, no fundamental probabilities in the first place, I leave the reader to his or her own assumptions); rather, I propose a simple reductio ad absurdum:

1.) People, in general, are morons.
2.) People, in general, are vain.
3.) People, in general, will seek (as a function of proposition 2) to mitigate proposition 1.
4.) People, in general, thus contribute to the propagation of proposition 1.

I thought perhaps I might begin with a quiz to test the cultural literacy of you, the reader. Make no mistake- there are plenty of wrong answers. While I am well aware of the trends in contemporary education, I have no problem with explaining to you why you are an inconsequential sub-moron who will never amount to anything in life. Good Luck!

1. One of the greatest composers of all time is:
a. J.S. Bach
b. Johannes Brahms
c. Anton Bruckner
d. Billy Ray Cyrus

2. An example of a worthwhile cultural event is:
a. A symphonic performance.
b. An opera (not a late 19th century Italian example- none of these qualify as art).
c. A visiting ballet troupe.
d. The Arkansas State Fair.

3. Outstanding literature has been produced by (with example given):
a. William Shakespeare: Hamlet
b. T.S. Eliot: The Wasteland
c. Joseph Conrad: Heart of Darkness
d. Barry Lyga: Goth Girl Rising

4. A “musical” is an example of:
a. A staged travesty.
b. Something that does not qualify as a “play.”
c. What happens when a hack composer joins forces with a hack writer.
d. The best $60 I ever spent on a ticket.

5. Great artwork can be found at:
a. The Hermitage, Saint Petersburg
b. The Louvre, Paris
c. The Guggenheim, New York
d. Applebee’s, Everywhere

6. A “film” is distinguished from a “movie” in that:
a. It has a discernable, non-formulaic plot.
b. It does not star Vin Diesel, Julia Roberts, or Pauly Shore.
c. It was most likely produced before 1965.
d. There is no difference.

7. An investment to “feed one’s soul” could be:
a. A personal library of leather and buckram-bound volumes.
b. A set of the complete works of Gustav Mahler.
c. A collection of classic silent films.
d. A new app for my iPhone.

8. “Pop Art” is:
a. A contradiction in terms.
b. Yet another example of why “the Sixties” should be forgotten.
c. Why few people of any sophistication go to new showings.
d. Proof that graffiti is a viable form of self-expression.

9. Fashion Week in New York is:
a. The only serious challenge to the notion that we are evolving.
b. The largest collection of vapid and shallow personalities in one single area.
c. Confirmation that wealth does not necessarily equate to taste.
d. The only reason I haven’t killed myself.

10. A sensible criterion for selecting a wine for dinner is:
a. Matching the wine’s region of origin to that of the cuisine.
b. Highlighting textural and/or flavor contrasts.
c. Complimenting the sauce or lack thereof.
d. Whatever is cheapest and preferably sold in a box.

The scoring for this quiz is relatively simple: if you answered “d” for any of the questions, you failed the question- all other answers were viable. To analyze your aggregate responses, use the following chart:

1. 10 correct: Congratulations! You may pass for a human being.
2. 9 or less correct: Please take every effort to ensure that you do not procreate- the human race simply cannot tolerate any more of your ilk.

Hopefully that settles any doubts.